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Friday, August 11, 2006

Old Man Number One - "If the best way we have to stop terrorists is to take everyone's shampoo, we're in worse shape than I thought, Butch."

Old Man Number Two - "Don't call me Butch."

Old Man Number One - "Seriously, Dicky, what about peanut butter? Is it a solid or a liquid? Is it an explosive? It feels like an explosive, I think. But it's delicious, and I don't the terrorists to get it."

Old Man Number Two - "Shut up. Let me handle it. I've gotten us this far, and we're in pretty good shape."

Embrace, and scene.

This is your national security apparatus at work.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

DC Braces for Surprise Attack!
But Bush Bikes On

Washington, DC - As the First Lady was whisked away from the White House and the Capitol Building was evacuated yesterday while fighter jets scrambled to intercept an incoming Cessna, the President biked through the mountains of Maryland blissfully unaware.

"We didn't want to ruin the surprise," a Senior White House Security Officer said. "The whole point of a surprise is that it's a surprise, you know? Even if it's a surprise attack. That, and we don't really do surprises at the White House. We make surprises, we don't respond to them."

On background, the security officer explained that the President was purposely kept out of the loop apparently because of a long-running fued within the Bush White House. In his first term, the President prepared a surprise party for the Vice President which as one might expect did not go over to well with the gruff Mr. Cheney. "Basically," the security officer said, "that was heart attack number nine. It did not sit well with Mr. Cheney who proceeded to 'tear the President a new one.' And that in turn lead to a little surprise for the President too. Since then, at the Vice President's orders surprises, all surprises, have been off limits for the President."

"He tends to get a little overexcited," another White House official said. "And when he gets overexcited, well, accidents happen."

"The President was only out of town for the day, and did not have a change of underpants with him," Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. That cryptic statement was the only one released by the White House. Educated guesses leave experts believing that the President would need an extra pair of underwear in case the pilot of the Cessna was captured and needed to be humilated by American interrigation mastermind Lyddie Englund. Either that or they suggested the President might drape the underpants over his own head in the belief that if he couldn't see the dangerous Cessna, it couldn't see him.

Others suggested that in fact the President needed the change of underpants because of undisclosed national security reasons, though it's not unreasonable they said to think that years of drinking might have affected the President's bladder control, though they quickly labled that thought as unpatriotic and the unnamed expert who said it is believed to be now enjoying an all-expenses paid vacation somewhere in the Carribean. Or maybe Uzbekistan.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

White House Announces Plans to Redo Efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan
President promises to do more by doing less.

Oct. 5, 2003 Washington, D.C. (IP) -- The White House announced plans today to reorganize its efforts at stabilizing Iraq and Afghanistan after a recent increase in violence.

The new plan calls for the "Iraq Stabilization Group" to oversee all efforts by US forces in the countries. The group will be headed by National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice. Ms. Rice recently said on "Meet the Press" she couldn't remember a memo she read from the CIA documenting Iraqi weapons of mass destruction three months later. Still, the President said, "She's sure as hell lot better qualified to do this shit than me! Heck, I can't remember things she read to me just three minutes ago."

Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Colin Powell thought up the new plan while the President was on vacation in August. "Well, why not?" the President said. "They're the guys who'd know about this stuff."

For example, Vice President Cheney said, "There's no doubt. Iraq has reconstituted nuclear weapons."

And Secretary Rumsfeld said, "We know where they are (WMD). They're in the area around Baghdad and Tikrit, and to the north and south and east and west somewhat."

Secretary Powell displayed ample evidence of Iraq's WMD at the United Nations which has unfortunately all turned out to be incorrect.

Still despite these four people being demonstrably unsuited to do anything with Iraq and neglected and festering Afghanistan, the President thought they'd still be better at it than him. "Really," he said. "Trust me. You don't want me doing this."

Read more about the new plans here.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Bush to Cut Deficit Personally
"Sacrifice begins with my hair!" the President declares.

Sept. 30, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Declaring that he would personally attack the ballooning federal budget deficit, President Bush today unveiled a series of steps that the White House was planning on taking to curb expenses.

"For example," the President said, "I'm thinking just one thing I could do is to, I don't know, maybe cut my own hair. I know Bill Clinton was a big fan of a $200 haircut, but me, I just need a little off the top and sides. What could be easier than that?"

When a reporter said the previous president had paid for his haircuts himself and not used federal dollars to cover them, Mr. Bush replied, "So what? Didn't you hear what I said? I'm cutting the deficit and my own hair! Come on, that shows I care. I'm taking real steps to change the what-you-call-it, the situation or something."

Asked about the other steps he promised the Administration would take, the President replied, "I don't know. We haven't really gotten that far. I guess I could cut Karl's hair too. Old Cueball shouldn't be too hard. Heck I could whack him and Dicky-Poo (the Vice President, Mr. Cheney) in two seconds flat."

The Office of Budget Management said the President expected his actions to save the federal government upwards of twenty dollars a month. "A drop in the bucket," Mr. Bush said, "but a drop is going to fill the bucket up with lots of little drops and stuff. Just you watch!"

It was unclear, however, how the President would follow through on his promise since current White House rules enforced by the First Lady, Laura Bush, prevent Mr. Bush from handling any sharp objects, including scissors.

"Come here," the President said, motioning to his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove to approach the podium, "I'm gonna cut you, man!"

With a shake of his head, however, Mr. Rove then disappeared from the room.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Bush Is Not Afraid of Clark Candidacy
President Welcomes Challenge

Sept. 19, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- President Bush today said he welcomed the addition of Gen. Wesley Clark to the field of Democratic candidates seeking to take his place in the White House next year. Though many pundits have predicted Gen. Clark doing well in a national election against Mr. Bush, the President said he thought he would easily win against Mr. Clark in some off-the-cuff remarks.

"I'm not losing to a girl. I don't care if she is a general," the President said with his characteristic smirk. "I mean what kind of a name for a guy is Leslie anyway?"

When a reporter informed Mr. Bush that Gen. Clark's first name is Wesley not Leslie, the President replied, "Really?"

Many in the press pool nodded their heads in agreement, and then Mr. Bush continued, "Well, so what? I'm not losing to a weasel either. Shit, Turd Blossom's going to have a field day with that one. 'Look at the weasel run!'"

Turd Blossom is one of the President's nicknames for his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove.

Before retiring to the Oval Office, Mr. Bush said, "Between Dr. Death Dean and Weasely Clark 2004's going to be a bigger cakewalk than Iraq!"

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Bush "Cheerfully" Clarifies Prior Remarks
Bring 'Em On? the President Asks. It Already Been Broughten!

Sept. 18, 2003 Camp David, MD (IP) -- President Bush interrupted his meeting with the leader of Jordan at the presidential retreat in the western mountains of Maryland to clarify a statement he made earlier in the summer regarding ongoing attacks against American forces in Iraq.

"Now some folks got their panties all in a twist," the President said, "when I said to the evildoers who think they can drive us out of a free and liberated Iraq with their pathetic use of terrifying violence and whatnot to 'Bring it on!' Well, I stand by those words. I still say to any egg-sucking, turban-wearing Mr.-thinks-he-can-defeat-the-U-S-of-almighty-A, 'Hit me with your best shot!'"

Mr. Bush received quite a bit of criticism for making such a bold and seemingly ill-prepared remark, particularly among Democrats vying to replace him in next year's elections, because many believe the President was actively stoking anti-American sentiment in Iraq and putting Coalition forces in harm's way. But Mr. Bush rebuffed such ideas today.

"Now I'm not a warmongering man, as my critics claim. And I do not intend to cause American forces in Iraq to face any greater threats. I was actually trying to solve the problem of ongoing attacks peacefully. See what I was doing harkens back to an age-old tradition in Texas, a good old-fashioned cheer off! I was inspired by that movie with that girl, and you know, when she's all like 'Bring it,' I'm saying, 'Me too!'"

Mr. Bush was previously head cheerleader at Andover Preparatory School, and he demonstrated his supposed intentions with an apparently off-the-cuff bout of press corps cheering. "Come on, let me hear it!" the President bellowed and clapped his hands. "'I' is for 'I crazy!' 'R' is for 'Let's fight!' 'A' is for 'I kill you!' Q is for 'That's right!' Here we go, here we go!"

The Vice President and National Security Advisor then appeared at either side of the podium, and the President yelled, "Pyramid!" and as Mr. Cheney and Ms. Rice dropped to floor, Mr. Bush scrambled up their backs and sang, "Let's win it for the home team! The home team's the one with heart. If you don't support the good old home team, you're nothing but a stinky, nasty fa... lalalala... When you're a winner with the home team, you're a winner all the way. If you don't support the good old home team, you're not a stud, you're just ga...."

At that point Mr. Cheney seemed to lose strength and the pyramid tumbled down. The President, however, behaved as though it were all part of the plan, and he tucked into a summersault and sprang back up to his feet, clapping and cheering once again.

When asked if the home team in this case wouldn't in fact be the Iraqi insurgents, Mr. Bush replied with a flip of his middle finger and added, "That's not the point. Any time, anywhere. Home team or away, I'll take 'em. Anyone who wants to challenge America, better beware, the commander-in-cheer is in the house, and I'm going to bring it, yo!"

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Shake Up on Republican Ticket?
Cheney Mulls Dumping Bush for '04

Sept. 16, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Reports from the Naval Observatory, the Vice President's home, indicate that Mr. Cheney may be considering dropping current President George W. Bush from the Republican Party ticket in next year's election. No one would confirm the rumors on the record, but several people close to the Vice President spoke on background.

"You've got to consider the unacceptable decline in the President's approval ratings," a senior advisor to the Vice President said. "Big Dick Cheney's not the kind of man to just sit around and accept the unacceptable. He's a man who's damned concerned about the country and stuff, and you've got to respect that. He's a man who above all wants to win. And if your current quarterback ain't getting the job done, you bench the son of bitch and put the next guy in."

Sources also say that the Vice President has grown increasingly dissatisfied with the President's performance as he's watched the pair's poll numbers continue an uninterrupted downward trajectory throughout the summer. "He's tired of doing the thinking for both of them," the advisor said. "Dick Cheney's a man who cares so much about America that he's gone through about four or five hearts now just worrying himself sick over it. He can't afford to lose his mind, too."

The President's spokesman, Scott McClellan, denied any disagreement within the Administration regarding next year's campaign ticket. "As far as I know," McClellan said, "George Bush is going to be Dick Cheney's running mate. They're a great team, a dynamic duo, if you will that has gotten America into one hell of dozy of a war, while at the same time successfully and dramatically increasing the unemployment rate, and simultaneously driving the federal deficit to historic levels. Why would you want to mess up an operation like that? That kind of thinking is simply beyond me."

Reports from sources close to the Vice President, however, paint a different picture. They say he's worried if the President doesn't shape up his act soon, he's not even going to get reelected. "He's really a bit of a miserable failure," the advisor said. "There's no denying that. And no matter how hard the Vice President works at deceiving the public, as he did so masterfully last week on NBC's Meet the Press, there's still a chance the American public will soon catch on to the President's half-assed well everything, really."

The Vice President is also reportedly disappointed that the President only asked for $87 billion last week to finance the ongoing War on Terror. "Halliburton's got serious financial problems due to Cheney's management decisions (the Vice President is the company's former CEO) and it's going to need a lot more cash from the government to get out of that hole. And let's not forget that Mr. Cheney still collects a million dollars a year from that company, and both he and Halliburton expect results for that kind of money."

Current consideration for replacements for Bush on Mr. Cheney's ticket include former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and a sock puppet Mr. Cheney keeps in his desk drawer named Mr. Whiskers. As of now, Mr. Whiskers has slight lead over Giuliani.

When informed of the latest scuttlebutt, Mr. McClellan verbally exploded, "That's bullshit, man! Don't be ridiculous! How naive can you get? Can you imagine the President of the United States being nothing more than the Vice President's puppet?"

The spokesman took a moment then said, "Oh, never mind."

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