Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Bush to Cut Deficit Personally
"Sacrifice begins with my hair!" the President declares.
Sept. 30, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Declaring that he would personally attack the ballooning federal budget deficit, President Bush today unveiled a series of steps that the White House was planning on taking to curb expenses.
"For example," the President said, "I'm thinking just one thing I could do is to, I don't know, maybe cut my own hair. I know Bill Clinton was a big fan of a $200 haircut, but me, I just need a little off the top and sides. What could be easier than that?"
When a reporter said the previous president had paid for his haircuts himself and not used federal dollars to cover them, Mr. Bush replied, "So what? Didn't you hear what I said? I'm cutting the deficit and my own hair! Come on, that shows I care. I'm taking real steps to change the what-you-call-it, the situation or something."
Asked about the other steps he promised the Administration would take, the President replied, "I don't know. We haven't really gotten that far. I guess I could cut Karl's hair too. Old Cueball shouldn't be too hard. Heck I could whack him and Dicky-Poo (the Vice President, Mr. Cheney) in two seconds flat."
The Office of Budget Management said the President expected his actions to save the federal government upwards of twenty dollars a month. "A drop in the bucket," Mr. Bush said, "but a drop is going to fill the bucket up with lots of little drops and stuff. Just you watch!"
It was unclear, however, how the President would follow through on his promise since current White House rules enforced by the First Lady, Laura Bush, prevent Mr. Bush from handling any sharp objects, including scissors.
"Come here," the President said, motioning to his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove to approach the podium, "I'm gonna cut you, man!"
With a shake of his head, however, Mr. Rove then disappeared from the room.
"Sacrifice begins with my hair!" the President declares.
Sept. 30, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Declaring that he would personally attack the ballooning federal budget deficit, President Bush today unveiled a series of steps that the White House was planning on taking to curb expenses.
"For example," the President said, "I'm thinking just one thing I could do is to, I don't know, maybe cut my own hair. I know Bill Clinton was a big fan of a $200 haircut, but me, I just need a little off the top and sides. What could be easier than that?"
When a reporter said the previous president had paid for his haircuts himself and not used federal dollars to cover them, Mr. Bush replied, "So what? Didn't you hear what I said? I'm cutting the deficit and my own hair! Come on, that shows I care. I'm taking real steps to change the what-you-call-it, the situation or something."
Asked about the other steps he promised the Administration would take, the President replied, "I don't know. We haven't really gotten that far. I guess I could cut Karl's hair too. Old Cueball shouldn't be too hard. Heck I could whack him and Dicky-Poo (the Vice President, Mr. Cheney) in two seconds flat."
The Office of Budget Management said the President expected his actions to save the federal government upwards of twenty dollars a month. "A drop in the bucket," Mr. Bush said, "but a drop is going to fill the bucket up with lots of little drops and stuff. Just you watch!"
It was unclear, however, how the President would follow through on his promise since current White House rules enforced by the First Lady, Laura Bush, prevent Mr. Bush from handling any sharp objects, including scissors.
"Come here," the President said, motioning to his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove to approach the podium, "I'm gonna cut you, man!"
With a shake of his head, however, Mr. Rove then disappeared from the room.
Friday, September 19, 2003
Bush Is Not Afraid of Clark Candidacy
President Welcomes Challenge
Sept. 19, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- President Bush today said he welcomed the addition of Gen. Wesley Clark to the field of Democratic candidates seeking to take his place in the White House next year. Though many pundits have predicted Gen. Clark doing well in a national election against Mr. Bush, the President said he thought he would easily win against Mr. Clark in some off-the-cuff remarks.
"I'm not losing to a girl. I don't care if she is a general," the President said with his characteristic smirk. "I mean what kind of a name for a guy is Leslie anyway?"
When a reporter informed Mr. Bush that Gen. Clark's first name is Wesley not Leslie, the President replied, "Really?"
Many in the press pool nodded their heads in agreement, and then Mr. Bush continued, "Well, so what? I'm not losing to a weasel either. Shit, Turd Blossom's going to have a field day with that one. 'Look at the weasel run!'"
Turd Blossom is one of the President's nicknames for his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove.
Before retiring to the Oval Office, Mr. Bush said, "Between Dr. Death Dean and Weasely Clark 2004's going to be a bigger cakewalk than Iraq!"
President Welcomes Challenge
Sept. 19, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- President Bush today said he welcomed the addition of Gen. Wesley Clark to the field of Democratic candidates seeking to take his place in the White House next year. Though many pundits have predicted Gen. Clark doing well in a national election against Mr. Bush, the President said he thought he would easily win against Mr. Clark in some off-the-cuff remarks.
"I'm not losing to a girl. I don't care if she is a general," the President said with his characteristic smirk. "I mean what kind of a name for a guy is Leslie anyway?"
When a reporter informed Mr. Bush that Gen. Clark's first name is Wesley not Leslie, the President replied, "Really?"
Many in the press pool nodded their heads in agreement, and then Mr. Bush continued, "Well, so what? I'm not losing to a weasel either. Shit, Turd Blossom's going to have a field day with that one. 'Look at the weasel run!'"
Turd Blossom is one of the President's nicknames for his Senior Political Advisor, Karl Rove.
Before retiring to the Oval Office, Mr. Bush said, "Between Dr. Death Dean and Weasely Clark 2004's going to be a bigger cakewalk than Iraq!"
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Bush "Cheerfully" Clarifies Prior Remarks
Bring 'Em On? the President Asks. It Already Been Broughten!
Sept. 18, 2003 Camp David, MD (IP) -- President Bush interrupted his meeting with the leader of Jordan at the presidential retreat in the western mountains of Maryland to clarify a statement he made earlier in the summer regarding ongoing attacks against American forces in Iraq.
"Now some folks got their panties all in a twist," the President said, "when I said to the evildoers who think they can drive us out of a free and liberated Iraq with their pathetic use of terrifying violence and whatnot to 'Bring it on!' Well, I stand by those words. I still say to any egg-sucking, turban-wearing Mr.-thinks-he-can-defeat-the-U-S-of-almighty-A, 'Hit me with your best shot!'"
Mr. Bush received quite a bit of criticism for making such a bold and seemingly ill-prepared remark, particularly among Democrats vying to replace him in next year's elections, because many believe the President was actively stoking anti-American sentiment in Iraq and putting Coalition forces in harm's way. But Mr. Bush rebuffed such ideas today.
"Now I'm not a warmongering man, as my critics claim. And I do not intend to cause American forces in Iraq to face any greater threats. I was actually trying to solve the problem of ongoing attacks peacefully. See what I was doing harkens back to an age-old tradition in Texas, a good old-fashioned cheer off! I was inspired by that movie with that girl, and you know, when she's all like 'Bring it,' I'm saying, 'Me too!'"
Mr. Bush was previously head cheerleader at Andover Preparatory School, and he demonstrated his supposed intentions with an apparently off-the-cuff bout of press corps cheering. "Come on, let me hear it!" the President bellowed and clapped his hands. "'I' is for 'I crazy!' 'R' is for 'Let's fight!' 'A' is for 'I kill you!' Q is for 'That's right!' Here we go, here we go!"
The Vice President and National Security Advisor then appeared at either side of the podium, and the President yelled, "Pyramid!" and as Mr. Cheney and Ms. Rice dropped to floor, Mr. Bush scrambled up their backs and sang, "Let's win it for the home team! The home team's the one with heart. If you don't support the good old home team, you're nothing but a stinky, nasty fa... lalalala... When you're a winner with the home team, you're a winner all the way. If you don't support the good old home team, you're not a stud, you're just ga...."
At that point Mr. Cheney seemed to lose strength and the pyramid tumbled down. The President, however, behaved as though it were all part of the plan, and he tucked into a summersault and sprang back up to his feet, clapping and cheering once again.
When asked if the home team in this case wouldn't in fact be the Iraqi insurgents, Mr. Bush replied with a flip of his middle finger and added, "That's not the point. Any time, anywhere. Home team or away, I'll take 'em. Anyone who wants to challenge America, better beware, the commander-in-cheer is in the house, and I'm going to bring it, yo!"
Bring 'Em On? the President Asks. It Already Been Broughten!
Sept. 18, 2003 Camp David, MD (IP) -- President Bush interrupted his meeting with the leader of Jordan at the presidential retreat in the western mountains of Maryland to clarify a statement he made earlier in the summer regarding ongoing attacks against American forces in Iraq.
"Now some folks got their panties all in a twist," the President said, "when I said to the evildoers who think they can drive us out of a free and liberated Iraq with their pathetic use of terrifying violence and whatnot to 'Bring it on!' Well, I stand by those words. I still say to any egg-sucking, turban-wearing Mr.-thinks-he-can-defeat-the-U-S-of-almighty-A, 'Hit me with your best shot!'"
Mr. Bush received quite a bit of criticism for making such a bold and seemingly ill-prepared remark, particularly among Democrats vying to replace him in next year's elections, because many believe the President was actively stoking anti-American sentiment in Iraq and putting Coalition forces in harm's way. But Mr. Bush rebuffed such ideas today.
"Now I'm not a warmongering man, as my critics claim. And I do not intend to cause American forces in Iraq to face any greater threats. I was actually trying to solve the problem of ongoing attacks peacefully. See what I was doing harkens back to an age-old tradition in Texas, a good old-fashioned cheer off! I was inspired by that movie with that girl, and you know, when she's all like 'Bring it,' I'm saying, 'Me too!'"
Mr. Bush was previously head cheerleader at Andover Preparatory School, and he demonstrated his supposed intentions with an apparently off-the-cuff bout of press corps cheering. "Come on, let me hear it!" the President bellowed and clapped his hands. "'I' is for 'I crazy!' 'R' is for 'Let's fight!' 'A' is for 'I kill you!' Q is for 'That's right!' Here we go, here we go!"
The Vice President and National Security Advisor then appeared at either side of the podium, and the President yelled, "Pyramid!" and as Mr. Cheney and Ms. Rice dropped to floor, Mr. Bush scrambled up their backs and sang, "Let's win it for the home team! The home team's the one with heart. If you don't support the good old home team, you're nothing but a stinky, nasty fa... lalalala... When you're a winner with the home team, you're a winner all the way. If you don't support the good old home team, you're not a stud, you're just ga...."
At that point Mr. Cheney seemed to lose strength and the pyramid tumbled down. The President, however, behaved as though it were all part of the plan, and he tucked into a summersault and sprang back up to his feet, clapping and cheering once again.
When asked if the home team in this case wouldn't in fact be the Iraqi insurgents, Mr. Bush replied with a flip of his middle finger and added, "That's not the point. Any time, anywhere. Home team or away, I'll take 'em. Anyone who wants to challenge America, better beware, the commander-in-cheer is in the house, and I'm going to bring it, yo!"
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Shake Up on Republican Ticket?
Cheney Mulls Dumping Bush for '04
Sept. 16, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Reports from the Naval Observatory, the Vice President's home, indicate that Mr. Cheney may be considering dropping current President George W. Bush from the Republican Party ticket in next year's election. No one would confirm the rumors on the record, but several people close to the Vice President spoke on background.
"You've got to consider the unacceptable decline in the President's approval ratings," a senior advisor to the Vice President said. "Big Dick Cheney's not the kind of man to just sit around and accept the unacceptable. He's a man who's damned concerned about the country and stuff, and you've got to respect that. He's a man who above all wants to win. And if your current quarterback ain't getting the job done, you bench the son of bitch and put the next guy in."
Sources also say that the Vice President has grown increasingly dissatisfied with the President's performance as he's watched the pair's poll numbers continue an uninterrupted downward trajectory throughout the summer. "He's tired of doing the thinking for both of them," the advisor said. "Dick Cheney's a man who cares so much about America that he's gone through about four or five hearts now just worrying himself sick over it. He can't afford to lose his mind, too."
The President's spokesman, Scott McClellan, denied any disagreement within the Administration regarding next year's campaign ticket. "As far as I know," McClellan said, "George Bush is going to be Dick Cheney's running mate. They're a great team, a dynamic duo, if you will that has gotten America into one hell of dozy of a war, while at the same time successfully and dramatically increasing the unemployment rate, and simultaneously driving the federal deficit to historic levels. Why would you want to mess up an operation like that? That kind of thinking is simply beyond me."
Reports from sources close to the Vice President, however, paint a different picture. They say he's worried if the President doesn't shape up his act soon, he's not even going to get reelected. "He's really a bit of a miserable failure," the advisor said. "There's no denying that. And no matter how hard the Vice President works at deceiving the public, as he did so masterfully last week on NBC's Meet the Press, there's still a chance the American public will soon catch on to the President's half-assed well everything, really."
The Vice President is also reportedly disappointed that the President only asked for $87 billion last week to finance the ongoing War on Terror. "Halliburton's got serious financial problems due to Cheney's management decisions (the Vice President is the company's former CEO) and it's going to need a lot more cash from the government to get out of that hole. And let's not forget that Mr. Cheney still collects a million dollars a year from that company, and both he and Halliburton expect results for that kind of money."
Current consideration for replacements for Bush on Mr. Cheney's ticket include former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and a sock puppet Mr. Cheney keeps in his desk drawer named Mr. Whiskers. As of now, Mr. Whiskers has slight lead over Giuliani.
When informed of the latest scuttlebutt, Mr. McClellan verbally exploded, "That's bullshit, man! Don't be ridiculous! How naive can you get? Can you imagine the President of the United States being nothing more than the Vice President's puppet?"
The spokesman took a moment then said, "Oh, never mind."
Cheney Mulls Dumping Bush for '04
Sept. 16, 2003 Washington, DC (IP) -- Reports from the Naval Observatory, the Vice President's home, indicate that Mr. Cheney may be considering dropping current President George W. Bush from the Republican Party ticket in next year's election. No one would confirm the rumors on the record, but several people close to the Vice President spoke on background.
"You've got to consider the unacceptable decline in the President's approval ratings," a senior advisor to the Vice President said. "Big Dick Cheney's not the kind of man to just sit around and accept the unacceptable. He's a man who's damned concerned about the country and stuff, and you've got to respect that. He's a man who above all wants to win. And if your current quarterback ain't getting the job done, you bench the son of bitch and put the next guy in."
Sources also say that the Vice President has grown increasingly dissatisfied with the President's performance as he's watched the pair's poll numbers continue an uninterrupted downward trajectory throughout the summer. "He's tired of doing the thinking for both of them," the advisor said. "Dick Cheney's a man who cares so much about America that he's gone through about four or five hearts now just worrying himself sick over it. He can't afford to lose his mind, too."
The President's spokesman, Scott McClellan, denied any disagreement within the Administration regarding next year's campaign ticket. "As far as I know," McClellan said, "George Bush is going to be Dick Cheney's running mate. They're a great team, a dynamic duo, if you will that has gotten America into one hell of dozy of a war, while at the same time successfully and dramatically increasing the unemployment rate, and simultaneously driving the federal deficit to historic levels. Why would you want to mess up an operation like that? That kind of thinking is simply beyond me."
Reports from sources close to the Vice President, however, paint a different picture. They say he's worried if the President doesn't shape up his act soon, he's not even going to get reelected. "He's really a bit of a miserable failure," the advisor said. "There's no denying that. And no matter how hard the Vice President works at deceiving the public, as he did so masterfully last week on NBC's Meet the Press, there's still a chance the American public will soon catch on to the President's half-assed well everything, really."
The Vice President is also reportedly disappointed that the President only asked for $87 billion last week to finance the ongoing War on Terror. "Halliburton's got serious financial problems due to Cheney's management decisions (the Vice President is the company's former CEO) and it's going to need a lot more cash from the government to get out of that hole. And let's not forget that Mr. Cheney still collects a million dollars a year from that company, and both he and Halliburton expect results for that kind of money."
Current consideration for replacements for Bush on Mr. Cheney's ticket include former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and a sock puppet Mr. Cheney keeps in his desk drawer named Mr. Whiskers. As of now, Mr. Whiskers has slight lead over Giuliani.
When informed of the latest scuttlebutt, Mr. McClellan verbally exploded, "That's bullshit, man! Don't be ridiculous! How naive can you get? Can you imagine the President of the United States being nothing more than the Vice President's puppet?"
The spokesman took a moment then said, "Oh, never mind."
Monday, September 15, 2003
New Bill Aims to Cut Secret Service Costs
Clintons' Protection Consolidated, Bushes' to be Reconsidered
Sept. 15, 2003 Washington (IP) -- To make up ground on record federal budget deficits, lawmakers on Capitol Hill are turning increasingly to creative methods of cost cutting. First up is a bill requiring recipients of Secret Service protection to reside in the same home with other members of the same family who receive protection.
The first targets of the measure appear to be the Clintons. Since former first lady, Hilary Rodham Clinton, is now the junior senator from New York and spends much of her time in the nation's capital, her Secret Service detail follows her while former president Bill Clinton also has a detail that protects him not only in the family's home in New York, but wherever his travels take him.
Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX) said, "We just ain't going to be showering the femi-nazi so-called former first lady with her own protection team and then give her lying philandering husband his own team too. That just don't make sense if we're more concerned about the nation's security than just a couple of people's, as we ought to be."
The language of the bill, however, does not limit its scope to only the Clintons and after he leaves office, it will apply to the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, George W. Bush, too. To keep the Secret Service from incurring the typical million-dollar-a-year bill for the remainder of his lifetime, if Mr. Bush wants to continue with the protective services, he will be required to live in the same household as other members of his family who qualify for the same benefits, including not only his wife, Laura, but also his father, the former President Bush.
When asked how he felt about being forced to move back in with his parents after he leaves the White House, George W. Bush said, "What? I'm sure that's not in the bill."
When told that indeed the bill would affect him too, Mr. Bush replied, "I don't think so. I usually get special dempensation."
Mr. DeLay, too, said that after the law went into effect and took away one of the Clinton's teams of body guards, Republican lawmakers would revisit the issue and revoke it before it could be applied to Mr. Bush. "Well he's not just an average citizens," Mr. DeLay said, "he's the commander in chief and we can't just go abandoning him to those who would do him harm. It's just un-American, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just a shill for the terrorists."
Mr. Clinton meanwhile said he would do whatever it took to try to help the country stay fiscally solvent. "I understand at times like these," he said, "that we all must make sacrifices for the common good, and I will do whatever I can to try to help."
"Not me," Mr. Bush said.
Clintons' Protection Consolidated, Bushes' to be Reconsidered
Sept. 15, 2003 Washington (IP) -- To make up ground on record federal budget deficits, lawmakers on Capitol Hill are turning increasingly to creative methods of cost cutting. First up is a bill requiring recipients of Secret Service protection to reside in the same home with other members of the same family who receive protection.
The first targets of the measure appear to be the Clintons. Since former first lady, Hilary Rodham Clinton, is now the junior senator from New York and spends much of her time in the nation's capital, her Secret Service detail follows her while former president Bill Clinton also has a detail that protects him not only in the family's home in New York, but wherever his travels take him.
Republican House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX) said, "We just ain't going to be showering the femi-nazi so-called former first lady with her own protection team and then give her lying philandering husband his own team too. That just don't make sense if we're more concerned about the nation's security than just a couple of people's, as we ought to be."
The language of the bill, however, does not limit its scope to only the Clintons and after he leaves office, it will apply to the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, George W. Bush, too. To keep the Secret Service from incurring the typical million-dollar-a-year bill for the remainder of his lifetime, if Mr. Bush wants to continue with the protective services, he will be required to live in the same household as other members of his family who qualify for the same benefits, including not only his wife, Laura, but also his father, the former President Bush.
When asked how he felt about being forced to move back in with his parents after he leaves the White House, George W. Bush said, "What? I'm sure that's not in the bill."
When told that indeed the bill would affect him too, Mr. Bush replied, "I don't think so. I usually get special dempensation."
Mr. DeLay, too, said that after the law went into effect and took away one of the Clinton's teams of body guards, Republican lawmakers would revisit the issue and revoke it before it could be applied to Mr. Bush. "Well he's not just an average citizens," Mr. DeLay said, "he's the commander in chief and we can't just go abandoning him to those who would do him harm. It's just un-American, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just a shill for the terrorists."
Mr. Clinton meanwhile said he would do whatever it took to try to help the country stay fiscally solvent. "I understand at times like these," he said, "that we all must make sacrifices for the common good, and I will do whatever I can to try to help."
"Not me," Mr. Bush said.
Friday, September 12, 2003
North Korea Vows to Pursue Nuclear Test
Bush Calls Action "Crazy!" Warns of Giant Monsters Sure to Follow
Sept. 12, 2003 Seoul (IP) -- North Korean officials said today that they would continue their efforts to conduct a successful nuclear test regardless of American demands to halt. "We don't give a damn about what that guy says," a representative from Kim Il Jung's government said. "We do what we please. You'd think a guy like Bush would understand that."
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said President Bush was "gravely worried" about the situation. He added that the United States negotiating team in Beijing would try to persuade the North Korean government to abandon its efforts to join the nuclear club.
Speaking to a room full of wealthy donors, President Bush addressed his concerns in a statement at a fundraiser. "Let's face it," he said. "They're crazy!"
The North Korean spokesperson replied, "We're not crazy, he is!"
The rebuttals continued apace until Bush said, "Listen we got people there in Popinjay [sic - probably meaning Pyongyang, the North Korean capital] that don't even know their own history. They don't even remember the devastation visited on their island nation following their last nuclear test."
The North Koreans have not had any prior nuclear tests, but the President did not seem to care. He pounded the podium and decried the continuing efforts by the North to detonate a nuclear device.
"Sometimes I wonder," a visibly distraught Bush asked the audience, his lips trembling with rage, "am I the only one who still remembers the wrath of Godzilla? Christ, they don't know what they're messing with there! That fire-breathing beast is warned us not to go messing with the nuclear stuff anymore. Keep it up and all of Tokyo will be lost."
When informed that he was referring to Japan and not North Korea, the President rebutted, "Oh yeah? And who made you President?"
After the President' remarks, the North Korean spokesperson repeated his earlier position, "He's crazy."
To which Bush replied, "I know you are but what am I?"
The dialog continued without either side conceding the point.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.
Bush Calls Action "Crazy!" Warns of Giant Monsters Sure to Follow
Sept. 12, 2003 Seoul (IP) -- North Korean officials said today that they would continue their efforts to conduct a successful nuclear test regardless of American demands to halt. "We don't give a damn about what that guy says," a representative from Kim Il Jung's government said. "We do what we please. You'd think a guy like Bush would understand that."
White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said President Bush was "gravely worried" about the situation. He added that the United States negotiating team in Beijing would try to persuade the North Korean government to abandon its efforts to join the nuclear club.
Speaking to a room full of wealthy donors, President Bush addressed his concerns in a statement at a fundraiser. "Let's face it," he said. "They're crazy!"
The North Korean spokesperson replied, "We're not crazy, he is!"
The rebuttals continued apace until Bush said, "Listen we got people there in Popinjay [sic - probably meaning Pyongyang, the North Korean capital] that don't even know their own history. They don't even remember the devastation visited on their island nation following their last nuclear test."
The North Koreans have not had any prior nuclear tests, but the President did not seem to care. He pounded the podium and decried the continuing efforts by the North to detonate a nuclear device.
"Sometimes I wonder," a visibly distraught Bush asked the audience, his lips trembling with rage, "am I the only one who still remembers the wrath of Godzilla? Christ, they don't know what they're messing with there! That fire-breathing beast is warned us not to go messing with the nuclear stuff anymore. Keep it up and all of Tokyo will be lost."
When informed that he was referring to Japan and not North Korea, the President rebutted, "Oh yeah? And who made you President?"
After the President' remarks, the North Korean spokesperson repeated his earlier position, "He's crazy."
To which Bush replied, "I know you are but what am I?"
The dialog continued without either side conceding the point.
Godzilla could not be reached for comment.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Record Industry: Just Trying to Keeping It Real
Pre-Teen Pirate Lawsuit First of Many
Sept. 10, 2003 Los Angeles (IP) -- The Record Industry Association of America (RIAA) stood by its decision to settle its lawsuit against a twelve-year-old girl who downloaded music over the Internet with a $2000 fine. Representatives from the RIAA issued a statement today at a hastily called press conference promising the girl was only going to be one of many.
The press release was tersely worded and short: "The bitch had it coming. You be next, sucka."
Profits in the music industry are down across the board, and the number one culprit, the RIAA claims, is Internet piracy. "When some skank be snaking your shit, you gotta slap her down," said Edward "Squeegee E." Lautner, President of Universal Music Co and acting President of the RIAA. "If you let the bitch take a peck, she gonna try to get the whole nugget."
To turn profits around, music companies have solidly endorsed the RIAA's court challenges. "It's not like it's our fault or anything," Lautner said, declaring the executives were not to blame for the low earnings by their respective labels. He added for example that it was "simply unknowable" that the public would grow tired of Jewel and that the $45 million recently spent in an effort to revitalize the singer's flagging career could have been better allocated.
It also had nothing to do with recent reports that placed Lautner and Jewel together several times over the past few months at a local high-end hotel. "That's ain't the point even if it was da truth," Lautner said via speaker phone from his family's estate in the Hamptons. "It ain't me, anyway. I ain't the problem. Twelve-year-old girls ripping my shit off, yo, that be the muthaf****in' problem."
Some in the industry say the settlement didn't go far enough, and they would have liked to see "the little snatcher" end up in jail. "You gotta keep your cred propa, ya' know, cause if the street find out you been steppin' off next thing they'll all be right up in your grill with that shit," James "Pimp Dicky" Dickinson, chairman of Sony Music and Vice Chair of the RIAA said. "Shit, I'm just trying to keep it real, you know? Like it was back at the yard."
Asked if by yard he meant prison, Dickinson replied, "No, Harvard, what is you stupid?" He then pulled out a handgun and said, "You want some of that? I give you some of that, too!"
No matter their differing views over the the severity of the fine, all parties of the RIAA agree on one thing: the girl had only herself to blame. "She's the daughter of single, working mother growing up the projects, so she already know the score," Dickinson said. "Shit ain't free. Do I got to say it again? Shit ain't free."
The girl claimed she didn't realize she was doing anything illegal and thought her $30-a-month subscription to her Internet service allowed for music downloads. She also issued an apology to the music industry. "Oh please," Dickinson retorted. "Tell it to my d*#k , bitch."
Pre-Teen Pirate Lawsuit First of Many
Sept. 10, 2003 Los Angeles (IP) -- The Record Industry Association of America (RIAA) stood by its decision to settle its lawsuit against a twelve-year-old girl who downloaded music over the Internet with a $2000 fine. Representatives from the RIAA issued a statement today at a hastily called press conference promising the girl was only going to be one of many.
The press release was tersely worded and short: "The bitch had it coming. You be next, sucka."
Profits in the music industry are down across the board, and the number one culprit, the RIAA claims, is Internet piracy. "When some skank be snaking your shit, you gotta slap her down," said Edward "Squeegee E." Lautner, President of Universal Music Co and acting President of the RIAA. "If you let the bitch take a peck, she gonna try to get the whole nugget."
To turn profits around, music companies have solidly endorsed the RIAA's court challenges. "It's not like it's our fault or anything," Lautner said, declaring the executives were not to blame for the low earnings by their respective labels. He added for example that it was "simply unknowable" that the public would grow tired of Jewel and that the $45 million recently spent in an effort to revitalize the singer's flagging career could have been better allocated.
It also had nothing to do with recent reports that placed Lautner and Jewel together several times over the past few months at a local high-end hotel. "That's ain't the point even if it was da truth," Lautner said via speaker phone from his family's estate in the Hamptons. "It ain't me, anyway. I ain't the problem. Twelve-year-old girls ripping my shit off, yo, that be the muthaf****in' problem."
Some in the industry say the settlement didn't go far enough, and they would have liked to see "the little snatcher" end up in jail. "You gotta keep your cred propa, ya' know, cause if the street find out you been steppin' off next thing they'll all be right up in your grill with that shit," James "Pimp Dicky" Dickinson, chairman of Sony Music and Vice Chair of the RIAA said. "Shit, I'm just trying to keep it real, you know? Like it was back at the yard."
Asked if by yard he meant prison, Dickinson replied, "No, Harvard, what is you stupid?" He then pulled out a handgun and said, "You want some of that? I give you some of that, too!"
No matter their differing views over the the severity of the fine, all parties of the RIAA agree on one thing: the girl had only herself to blame. "She's the daughter of single, working mother growing up the projects, so she already know the score," Dickinson said. "Shit ain't free. Do I got to say it again? Shit ain't free."
The girl claimed she didn't realize she was doing anything illegal and thought her $30-a-month subscription to her Internet service allowed for music downloads. She also issued an apology to the music industry. "Oh please," Dickinson retorted. "Tell it to my d*#k , bitch."
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
From the NY Times - Mr. Rumsfeld did not mention any of the domestic critics by name. But he suggested that those who have been critical of the administration's handling of the war in Iraq and its aftermath might be encouraging American foes to believe that the United States might one day walk away from the effort, as it has in past conflicts.
"We know for a fact that terrorists studied Somalia, and they studied instances that the United States was dealt a blow and tucked in, and persuaded themselves that they could in fact cause us to acquiesce in whatever it is they wanted to do," Mr. Rumsfeld said... He went on: "To the extent that terrorists are given reason to believe he might, or, if he is not going to, that the opponents might prevail in some way, and they take heart in that, and obviously that does make our task more difficult."
Terrorists Hold Meetup For Dean
Candidate's Antiwar Stance Fuels Enthusiasm Amongst America's Enemies
Sept. 9, 2003 Baghdad (IP) -- Over two hundred hardened terrorists crowded into a smoky Baghdad bar to watch inspirational campaign videos, swap canvassing stories and write letters to undecided voters encouraging them to support their candidate of choice in the 2004 Presidential Elections: Howard Dean.
"I was afraid the American infidels might occupy my great Islamic country indefinitely," Meetup organizer and former Ba'athist, Muhammad A. Muhammad said, "even our daily, bloody attacks against the heathen soldiers didn't seem to be doing that much damage, but then I learned about Howard Dean and his anti-war stance, and I thought, 'That's the way!'"
Muhammad's sentiments were widely echoed throughout the bar. Many of the men spoke of being close to abandoning their resistance to the Coalition Authority until they saw newly released Dean TV ads smuggled into the country on pirated DVDs.
"Honestly," another man, who identified himself as a member of Al Qaeda and would only give his name as Abdullah, said, "I was ready to give up. I was tired of living in caves, dodging bombs and bullets day in day out. It's exhausting! So there I was, ready to lay down my arms and really get into this whole occupation thing, maybe even get a job do the whole nine-to-five gig and help build a functioning democracy here in Iraq, but when my friend Sal came by with this crazy, but powerful, commercial. From the first moment I heard the fiery passion of Howard Dean and his calling the Bush presidency misguided and Donald Rumsfeld's assessment of the situation here mistaken, I thought, 'Hold on a second!'"
"Me too!" chimed in another bearded fellow who called himself Mr. X. "When I heard Mr. Dean calling Mr. Bush a liar and the Iraq war a blunder, I suddenly felt as though I had the very power of Allah in my body and a thousand beautiful virgins lifting me up. It was that negative attitude back in the States toward the American operation here that gave me the strength to keep fighting!"
Of course it's hard to look around the bar and not see what could turn into significant problems with the Dean campaign. For one thing the participants at the Baghdad Meetup were overwhelming Arabic, making one wonder if Dean has crossover potential to reach other demographics in the country, such as the Kurdish population or minority Christians, besides just the Internet-savvy professional terrorists that he's so solidly got a lock on now. Additionally, though Dr. Dean likes to portray himself as a dedicated pro-choice candidate, virtually no women attended the Meetup.
"I really had my heart set on Dennis Kuchinich," said Meetup participant, Abdullah Akbar, "but it seems like he's not really electable, and since Dean's been surging lately, I decided why not him? Insha'allah!"
"We know for a fact that terrorists studied Somalia, and they studied instances that the United States was dealt a blow and tucked in, and persuaded themselves that they could in fact cause us to acquiesce in whatever it is they wanted to do," Mr. Rumsfeld said... He went on: "To the extent that terrorists are given reason to believe he might, or, if he is not going to, that the opponents might prevail in some way, and they take heart in that, and obviously that does make our task more difficult."
Terrorists Hold Meetup For Dean
Candidate's Antiwar Stance Fuels Enthusiasm Amongst America's Enemies
Sept. 9, 2003 Baghdad (IP) -- Over two hundred hardened terrorists crowded into a smoky Baghdad bar to watch inspirational campaign videos, swap canvassing stories and write letters to undecided voters encouraging them to support their candidate of choice in the 2004 Presidential Elections: Howard Dean.
"I was afraid the American infidels might occupy my great Islamic country indefinitely," Meetup organizer and former Ba'athist, Muhammad A. Muhammad said, "even our daily, bloody attacks against the heathen soldiers didn't seem to be doing that much damage, but then I learned about Howard Dean and his anti-war stance, and I thought, 'That's the way!'"
Muhammad's sentiments were widely echoed throughout the bar. Many of the men spoke of being close to abandoning their resistance to the Coalition Authority until they saw newly released Dean TV ads smuggled into the country on pirated DVDs.
"Honestly," another man, who identified himself as a member of Al Qaeda and would only give his name as Abdullah, said, "I was ready to give up. I was tired of living in caves, dodging bombs and bullets day in day out. It's exhausting! So there I was, ready to lay down my arms and really get into this whole occupation thing, maybe even get a job do the whole nine-to-five gig and help build a functioning democracy here in Iraq, but when my friend Sal came by with this crazy, but powerful, commercial. From the first moment I heard the fiery passion of Howard Dean and his calling the Bush presidency misguided and Donald Rumsfeld's assessment of the situation here mistaken, I thought, 'Hold on a second!'"
"Me too!" chimed in another bearded fellow who called himself Mr. X. "When I heard Mr. Dean calling Mr. Bush a liar and the Iraq war a blunder, I suddenly felt as though I had the very power of Allah in my body and a thousand beautiful virgins lifting me up. It was that negative attitude back in the States toward the American operation here that gave me the strength to keep fighting!"
Of course it's hard to look around the bar and not see what could turn into significant problems with the Dean campaign. For one thing the participants at the Baghdad Meetup were overwhelming Arabic, making one wonder if Dean has crossover potential to reach other demographics in the country, such as the Kurdish population or minority Christians, besides just the Internet-savvy professional terrorists that he's so solidly got a lock on now. Additionally, though Dr. Dean likes to portray himself as a dedicated pro-choice candidate, virtually no women attended the Meetup.
"I really had my heart set on Dennis Kuchinich," said Meetup participant, Abdullah Akbar, "but it seems like he's not really electable, and since Dean's been surging lately, I decided why not him? Insha'allah!"
Monday, September 08, 2003
President Sees A "Queer" Future For Iraq
Bush believes Baghdad ready for a "Gay Old Time."
Sept. 8, 2003 Washington (IP) -- Saying America needed to find a new direction in Iraq, in its effort to convert the nation from a repressive dictatorship into a free and open democracy, President Bush announced last night a bold new initiative to hand over leadership in the country to the stars of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
The President said the "Fab Five" of Bravo channel's summer hit where average heterosexual shlubs are made over into handsome, considerate studs with the assistance of five homosexual experts had demonstrated the key skills necessary to help make the transition in Iraq a success. Bush declared the conservative policies of the recent past have been a failure and said he felt that if the Iraqi people received a new haircut, a better wardrobe and an appreciation for the finer things in life the levels of violence directed against the American troops was sure to drop.
"Everywhere that freedom takes hold," the President said, "terror will retreat. Our enemies understand this." But he added, the Queer Eye Team provided the perfect antidote to the "poison" of terrorism. "They represent a diverse coalition of the willing," the President said. "And I mean that in the best possible way."
For their part, the "Fab Five" bubbled with excitement at the opportunity. "Oh my God!" said costar, design expert Thom Filicia, "do you even know what we could do with $87 billion? I am seeing a whole new society rising here!"
Asked what particular problems they anticipated encountering when confronting the disarray in Iraq, grooming expert Kyan Douglas worried about many of the local men's long-standing battles against intertwined eyebrows. "That's a monobrow. It's never a good answer unless you're Frida Kahlo or Groucho Marx."
Another concern was working with the large amount of cotton, especially in the traditional men's turbans and women's veils. "It's a challenge," says fashion expert Carson Kressley. "It looks like some crazy coordinated armor."
Bush dismissed concerns that many people in the traditional Islamic world weren't ready for quite such an open society in their midst. "They know that as democracy rises in Iraq, all of their hateful ambitions will fall like the statues of the former dictator," he said.
Bush added that Queer Eye guys were a "tribute to the power of democracy and freedom and a testament to diversity."
The President said he would seek the financing for Iraq's new makeover through a special appropriation bill that he submitted to Congress, and he had no doubt that the country would support him "No matter how much the gay guys charge, we will do what is necessary, we will spend what is necessary, to achieve this essential victory in the war on terror, to promote freedom and to make our own Nation more secure."
Bush believes Baghdad ready for a "Gay Old Time."
Sept. 8, 2003 Washington (IP) -- Saying America needed to find a new direction in Iraq, in its effort to convert the nation from a repressive dictatorship into a free and open democracy, President Bush announced last night a bold new initiative to hand over leadership in the country to the stars of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
The President said the "Fab Five" of Bravo channel's summer hit where average heterosexual shlubs are made over into handsome, considerate studs with the assistance of five homosexual experts had demonstrated the key skills necessary to help make the transition in Iraq a success. Bush declared the conservative policies of the recent past have been a failure and said he felt that if the Iraqi people received a new haircut, a better wardrobe and an appreciation for the finer things in life the levels of violence directed against the American troops was sure to drop.
"Everywhere that freedom takes hold," the President said, "terror will retreat. Our enemies understand this." But he added, the Queer Eye Team provided the perfect antidote to the "poison" of terrorism. "They represent a diverse coalition of the willing," the President said. "And I mean that in the best possible way."
For their part, the "Fab Five" bubbled with excitement at the opportunity. "Oh my God!" said costar, design expert Thom Filicia, "do you even know what we could do with $87 billion? I am seeing a whole new society rising here!"
Asked what particular problems they anticipated encountering when confronting the disarray in Iraq, grooming expert Kyan Douglas worried about many of the local men's long-standing battles against intertwined eyebrows. "That's a monobrow. It's never a good answer unless you're Frida Kahlo or Groucho Marx."
Another concern was working with the large amount of cotton, especially in the traditional men's turbans and women's veils. "It's a challenge," says fashion expert Carson Kressley. "It looks like some crazy coordinated armor."
Bush dismissed concerns that many people in the traditional Islamic world weren't ready for quite such an open society in their midst. "They know that as democracy rises in Iraq, all of their hateful ambitions will fall like the statues of the former dictator," he said.
Bush added that Queer Eye guys were a "tribute to the power of democracy and freedom and a testament to diversity."
The President said he would seek the financing for Iraq's new makeover through a special appropriation bill that he submitted to Congress, and he had no doubt that the country would support him "No matter how much the gay guys charge, we will do what is necessary, we will spend what is necessary, to achieve this essential victory in the war on terror, to promote freedom and to make our own Nation more secure."
