Thursday, May 12, 2005
DC Braces for Surprise Attack!
But Bush Bikes On
Washington, DC - As the First Lady was whisked away from the White House and the Capitol Building was evacuated yesterday while fighter jets scrambled to intercept an incoming Cessna, the President biked through the mountains of Maryland blissfully unaware.
"We didn't want to ruin the surprise," a Senior White House Security Officer said. "The whole point of a surprise is that it's a surprise, you know? Even if it's a surprise attack. That, and we don't really do surprises at the White House. We make surprises, we don't respond to them."
On background, the security officer explained that the President was purposely kept out of the loop apparently because of a long-running fued within the Bush White House. In his first term, the President prepared a surprise party for the Vice President which as one might expect did not go over to well with the gruff Mr. Cheney. "Basically," the security officer said, "that was heart attack number nine. It did not sit well with Mr. Cheney who proceeded to 'tear the President a new one.' And that in turn lead to a little surprise for the President too. Since then, at the Vice President's orders surprises, all surprises, have been off limits for the President."
"He tends to get a little overexcited," another White House official said. "And when he gets overexcited, well, accidents happen."
"The President was only out of town for the day, and did not have a change of underpants with him," Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. That cryptic statement was the only one released by the White House. Educated guesses leave experts believing that the President would need an extra pair of underwear in case the pilot of the Cessna was captured and needed to be humilated by American interrigation mastermind Lyddie Englund. Either that or they suggested the President might drape the underpants over his own head in the belief that if he couldn't see the dangerous Cessna, it couldn't see him.
Others suggested that in fact the President needed the change of underpants because of undisclosed national security reasons, though it's not unreasonable they said to think that years of drinking might have affected the President's bladder control, though they quickly labled that thought as unpatriotic and the unnamed expert who said it is believed to be now enjoying an all-expenses paid vacation somewhere in the Carribean. Or maybe Uzbekistan.
But Bush Bikes On
Washington, DC - As the First Lady was whisked away from the White House and the Capitol Building was evacuated yesterday while fighter jets scrambled to intercept an incoming Cessna, the President biked through the mountains of Maryland blissfully unaware.
"We didn't want to ruin the surprise," a Senior White House Security Officer said. "The whole point of a surprise is that it's a surprise, you know? Even if it's a surprise attack. That, and we don't really do surprises at the White House. We make surprises, we don't respond to them."
On background, the security officer explained that the President was purposely kept out of the loop apparently because of a long-running fued within the Bush White House. In his first term, the President prepared a surprise party for the Vice President which as one might expect did not go over to well with the gruff Mr. Cheney. "Basically," the security officer said, "that was heart attack number nine. It did not sit well with Mr. Cheney who proceeded to 'tear the President a new one.' And that in turn lead to a little surprise for the President too. Since then, at the Vice President's orders surprises, all surprises, have been off limits for the President."
"He tends to get a little overexcited," another White House official said. "And when he gets overexcited, well, accidents happen."
"The President was only out of town for the day, and did not have a change of underpants with him," Press Secretary Scott McClellan said. That cryptic statement was the only one released by the White House. Educated guesses leave experts believing that the President would need an extra pair of underwear in case the pilot of the Cessna was captured and needed to be humilated by American interrigation mastermind Lyddie Englund. Either that or they suggested the President might drape the underpants over his own head in the belief that if he couldn't see the dangerous Cessna, it couldn't see him.
Others suggested that in fact the President needed the change of underpants because of undisclosed national security reasons, though it's not unreasonable they said to think that years of drinking might have affected the President's bladder control, though they quickly labled that thought as unpatriotic and the unnamed expert who said it is believed to be now enjoying an all-expenses paid vacation somewhere in the Carribean. Or maybe Uzbekistan.
